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|4| Self Reflection

The fourth chapter is here!Dive into some family and me-time.In-line comments are welcomed!

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Humaira's emotion got the best of her. The girl who always hopped in excitement, cracked jokes, bantered, and bickered had taken a back seat. After spending her birthday in the counseling room, following the news of her two friends getting married– the betrayal, and being reminded that she belonged nowhere; she returned to the place where... she somewhat belonged. Her home.

Upon entering, she found something unusual. Something that hadn't happened before. Her Taya was waiting for her. He wasn't there for TV, or dinner.

The dinner time was long gone, and no one had the habit of waiting for her to join them. He asked her to take a seat beside him.

The air around them wasn't thick with tension, but Humaira was drained of all energy after today's events. She didn't have the will to sit through another meeting, and that was evident from her voice, " Taya Abbu, I'm exhausted. Can this wait till tomorrow?"

Shoulder salumber, eyes red because of the tears that never came out, and had to dry before rolling down. Her Taya did notice her state, but not as it was;

" Have you started taking drugs or what?" He accused, frowning, " Why are your eyes red?"

Humaira smiled, a sad and tired one. "No, Taya Abbu. Just..." She rubbed her eyes with her fingers, " I got the mascara in."

He sighed, "Whatever," he rubbed his hand on his knee, " Your Tayi Ammi told me about the guardian meeting," he paused, searching her eyes that were fixed on her palms resting on her lap, " Also,  that you're ready for marriage?"

She nodded.

"Good!" The cheer in his voice wasn't of the kind when a parent is happy for their child's future, instead, it sounded like he was nearing a task that was long overdue and needed to be done soon; his next sentence confirmed that, " I wanted to get you married as soon as you cleared your high school. Always knew this degree was not your cup of tea. Glad you're realising it now."

She didn't argue, didn't defend herself. She just smiled in response. Accepting everything.

"I have a few prospects in hand. It won't take long." He voiced his thought, as if already going through slides of photographs.

Another smile.

" I'll inform you. You may go now."

Humaira stood up, dragging herself towards her room when he said, " And don't you ever dare again to stay out after 11 at night without informing."

"You could have called if you were so worried," She wailed, stomping her foot.

"Didn't notice your absence until I needed to talk to you," he said nonchalantly, trailing towards his room.

Corner of Humaira's lips twitched. Her throat felt heavy, and her eyes gave up on the guard that they had been holding on to for so long. A single drop of tear escaped her eye; she wiped it quickly and ran into her room. Digging her face into the pillows, she cried. She cried silently, muffling her voice. She cried her heart out, after eight long years. She cried.

She lost her grandfather at the age of 15. Her uncles were busy preparing for the funeral, her aunts were looking after the in-laws of their newly-married daughter, her cousins were tired because of travelling across the city... also mourning. While Humaira sobbed silently, her eyes fixed upon her grandfather shrouded in white. The only person she had in the household who loved and cared for her. Who made sure she had her meals timely, and slept peacefully in his embrace.

She also remembered the only person who lent her his shoulder to cry on– Saad. He bailed on his college as soon as he got the news, he was the first one to wipe her tears and tell her that she wasn't alone. She had him and his dad.

"I've no... no one left... Saad. I feel empty. There's no one-" she sobbed in his embrace, clutching his T-shirt that was soaking her tears.

He held her tighter, rubbing her back to soothe her pain, "Cry as much as you want, Aira. Just don't say you have no one," he whispered to her, "as long as I'm alive, you'd always have a family."

Humaira only tried to find solace in his words. His voice was slow and soft; laced with love for her. She indeed felt that not everything was lost. She still had some people. Her people.

But that ended today. Umair's words echoed in her thoughts-

Do we need her permission to decide our family matters?

Our. She wasn't a part of that 'our'. She wasn't a part of their family.

Their.

His.

Umair made sure she knew that. She was just a pupil of his father. A friend of Saad and nothing else.

A friend?

She sobbed again, hiccuping; breathing seemed like an exhausting task to her.

Aren't friends supposed to share everything?

Why didn't they?

She was the reason they knew each other. She silently hoped for something to brew between them. Her bestfriend being part of her family. And now– Zoya was indeed a part of that family, and Humaira was reminded that she wasn't. The thought made her laugh in the irony of her situation; at the same time, a fresh trail of tears rolled down her cheeks. Her chest contracted as the hiccups returned, making it hard for her to breathe. She bit on her finger to control her sobs and muffle her now audible cries.

"It hu... hurts. It so... Damn hurts."

She closed her eyes, sniffing; bringing her knees closer to herself, wrapping her arms around them as if she was engulfing herself in a warm hug. She was craving warmth. A human touch to soothe her pain. Words to heal her aching heart. But all she had was a cold, thick air of silence surrounding her; silent enough for her heartbeat to ring in her ears, and her muffled sobs filling it.

The clock ticked at 12, the day changed, her birthday ended, but her pain remained the same. Her thoughts involuntarily took her back to her 16th birthday, which was four months after her grandfather's demise. She was passing it as her regular day. Dr. Hameed conducted the tuition for her batch and left for another, but not before giving her a quick wish filled with his loving words and a gentle hand patting her head.

She smiled at the memory.

Then Saad took her to his room, which had fairy lights hanging. A cupcake with a single candle. She complained about not wanting to celebrate her birthday, but Saad insisted, saying it wasn't an ordinary one but her Sweet-Sixteen. She reluctantly took a bite from the cupcake and Saad made her dance with him, sing. It had been a long time since she had smiled or laughed. She forgot her sorrow, her loss in that moment.

They shared their entire childhood and teenage years with each other, yet she never saw him in any romantic light. Saad was her family, a confidante. He was someone she could count on. Knowing that he kept his relationship secret hurt her. She'd have resolved it. Complained. Argued. Saad and Zoya would have defended themselves, asked her to understand their perspective. She'd have pushed them away, they'd have insisted and at the end, everything would have been normal. Everything.

But Umair; his words. They took away her right to complain. An outsider doesn't have any right to question their decision, their matter. Neither did she.

With her mind full of memories, and her heart full of loneliness and sorrow, her eyes, tired and heavy because of the constant crying, eventually closed, engulfing the darkness and void. Hoping not to face any demons in her dreams.

The Sun shone again the next morning, but her eyes didn't; they were dull and tired; sad. She stood in front of the mirror, staring at her ghostly form. The puffiness around her eyes was evident, her mascara covering her cheeks, minus the clean trail travelled by the stream of her tears. She slapped her face with a few cold splashes of water, wiped the droplets from her hand. She stared at the shower head, not having enough energy to follow her basic hygiene routine, she turned her heel back to her room and decided against going to college, or her regular routine.

Her thoughts were scattered, her soul was exhausted, and it reflected in her physical form. No one could see that. No one could see the weakness and loneliness. The world is a cruel place for those who let their weakness show, who don't hide their loneliness. Humaira didn't allow that. She couldn't. She wiped her face again, and her nose with her knuckle.

"You're just tired," she said to her ghostly reflection staring at her. "You need rest, okay?" The figure standing in the front nodded, agreeing with her. "Take a long weekend. Enjoy your own company, your solitude, and then be ready to face the world. Alone." The last word was a whisper. The person in front of her agreed again, with a forced smile. A weak one. But the person behind was strong, the weak smile showed her strength; he will.

"Hey," she chuckled, touching her cheeks that had a reddish tint, same as her nose and eyes, " My name never suited me better." She bit on her lower lip, smiling at the after-glow of her crying session. A futile attempt by her to use humour as a shield.

(Humaira is an Arabic name which means red rose and rosy cheeks)

Taking in a deep breath, her lips stretched into the same smile. "It's gonna be a good weekend. A good, long one." She declared.

As decided, she skipped college and spent the time reorganising her wardrobe. Didn't join the other Mirs for food, as she munched on the packet snacks kept in her room. Took an afternoon nap. Woke up, skipped her tuition, and spent that time darting at Umair's comic face that she had drawn. Mocking all his words that she could recall.

Her absence didn't go unnoticed by either of her tutors.

"Humaira is not here yet?" Dr. Hameed asked.

"Might be late, or skipping studies– her favorite thing to do." Umair's reply was casual.

"This house is not a place where she comes just for her studies, Umair. It's her home."

Sensing the seriousness, and stern in his father's voice, Umaira had looked up from his paper, "Dad?" He was confused by his statement.

"What? Umair, I get it that you stayed away from this house long enough to not remember how things used to be here," He took off his glasses, and kept it on the table between them. " But Humaira is not a student of mine. She is a daughter to me. She is family. Just like you and Saad. Maybe more, because I've two sons but only her as my daughter."

There was an understanding silence.

"I didn't like what you said to her, Umair. She had all the rights to be angry with me and Saad. Even Zoya. I didn't have any idea that she was unaware of their relationship." His face had disappointment written all over it for both his sons, " Saad has his own share of trouble once he's back from his work-trip, but you," he held his son's gaze. " You better apologise to her... ASAP."

Umair didn't argue; he listened to his dad carefully and understood his emotions behind it. He realised that his words were wrong and how they came out. It was in the moment of fury.

His voice was soft with the hint of shame when he said, "I understand, Dad. I won't defend myself."

"Good, beta." He walked to his son, and patted his shoulder, " Your Ammi and I have raised you to be a compassionate man; not a fragile species who loses his cool in the moment when it is needed the most. I expect you to be more understanding and accepting of the people around you. World is a cruel place," he smiled at him, "and I know– you know it better than many."

Umair took hold of his dad's hand and kissed the back of it. The silence followed by didn't feel heavy but warm and comforting as both went back to the respective work they were doing.

|~★~|

Quite an intense one this was. Phew!

My poor baby Humaira. I just feel like hugging her.

Eager to hear how you felt after having a glimpse of Humaira's past. The sad and the good ones.

Also, Dr. Hameed is such a warm character and a good dad, no?

What do you guys think?

Let me know! Please.

And do support this story.

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scribblefly_

Not all my words are perfect; It's a beautiful, messy process. Just a reader who decided to start writing the books she couldn't find. ✍️ I'm addicted to the agonising perfection of a slow-burn romance. The slower, the better! With swaad anusar cliches. Connect with me on Instagram - @scribblefly_